After the turkey . . . a breath-o-lizer?

It happens every year.   I vow that I wil not overeat on Thanksgiving Day.  And what happens?  I do.  Anyone else have that problem?  The setting takes place “after turkey dinner” in the living room.  Every recliner and couch is booked with a body passed out on it from too much turkey dinner.  People try to speak, but their speech is slurred and their eyes half closed.  My god, I might have to get some insulin to lower all these blood sugars that are probably sky high.  I hope no one goes into a coma.

Have you every thought about how a cow digests its food?  A cow has 4 stomachs.  Wouldn’t it be great if we had 4 stomachs at a time like this: One for turkey, one for stuffing, one for potatoes and one for everything else.  Do all stomachs work simultaneously, grinding up the contents and then pushing it down . . . well, you know where. From there certain chemicals are released which eventually make their way to the brain and cause us to become semi-comatose.

Finally, several hours later, people attempt to get up and leave and I still see the half-closed eyes and hear the slurred speech.  If the police stopped their cars on the way home and did a breath-o-lyzer test, would he get a turkey read-out?  I wonder.   Would he smell methane or would he hear a gobble, gobble coming from deep inside?

How to apply water sealant via the Little Red Hen

I admit it — I am not an expert on applying water sealant, but now I do have one notch in my belt.  Do you remember the Little Red Hen who couldn’t get anyone to help her?  Well, she did it herself!  And that’s what I did.  I got doggone tired of waiting for the Handyman to come by and apply water sealant to the wooden ramp leading to my front door.  It was a beautiful Fall day with lots of sun.  That’s what you need–Sun–to dry the sealant.  Why use water sealant?  To protect the wood from getting discolored.  Why was I in such a hurry?  My two cats have to walk on that wood to get out of the house–that’s why.  And the postman had to walk on that wood to deliver the mail–that’s why.  So there I sat in my chair fretting about this whole scenario.  Cold weather and rain are coming and then the sealant will never dry fast enough.  So I got out of my chair and went to the hardware store.  There I purchased a can of sealant, a tray and a roller.  Yes, a roller with a long stick attached to it works great on the part that you walk on.  However . . . sealant does not adhere very well to a roller and it drips all over the place.  It is not thick like paint, and so the side rails are more difficult.   After one hour of work, I took a two hour nap.  I was exhausted and I wasn’t even finished yet.  Later that afternoon, I went outside and finished up the ramp leading to the front door.  Then to the back porch and finished that up. 

The next day, with a gleeful spirit, I called the Handyman who charges $40 per hour and I said, “You don’t need to bother to come out after all.  I put the sealant on myself.”  He was disappointed, but I got my revenge.  As the Little Ren Hen would say, “I baked the bread myself without any help from anyone, and so now I am going to eat it by myself.”

It really is Freaky Friday on 10/31/08

One of my ladies in the nursing home has passed away.  I used to visit her because she needed someone to talk to.  I cannot believe she is gone.  I was in total shock the other night when I walked in and they told me she had passed away suddenly.  I looked for her and asked people questions, “What happened?  When did it happen?”  They just said “I’m sorry.  It was all very sudden.”  I have to process this, but it is going to take me some time . . .  Unfortunately, since these things are very confidential now, only the family is informed when this kind of thing happens.  I am just a visitor, so I have to take my shocks and surprises as they come. 

In the meantime, I ran into another lady in a wheelchair that I knew.  Her neck hurt, she said.  So we did a hands-on prayer treatment of her neck.  We prayed together, and then I put my hand on her head and said, “Be well.”  She kissed me goodbye.  She was so sweet.  They are so lonely there.  They just want someone to touch them, speak to them, acknowledge them.  This is what I do–I hope it helps.

Then I went to Clara’s room and we went through her candy boxes trying to find a soft, chewable piece.  She tried to read the different kinds of candy on the box lid with a magnifier, but her eyes are so bad that this was very difficult–even with the magnifier.   She didn’t want to give her roommate any candy because her roomate never gives her any.  Wow! that put me on the spot.  It’s very childish, but then, “unless you become as a little child, you shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven”, so says the Bible.  I guess this will happen to most of us sooner or later.

Well, only 8 more weeks until retirement is here.  Then I will have to try to live on my social security and one small pension check.  That should be interesting.  How about fried eggs and soup?  That’s pretty cheap, isn’t it?  I think I lived on that when I was a kid.  That and bologna sandwiches.  I’ll have to turn down the heat and wrap myself in sweats and blankets to stay warm.  It will be an adventure.  The cats and I will cuddle up together to maintain body heat.

Well, tonight is a big Freakfest night for the kids.  The weather is so warm and beautiful right now; it’s unbelievable.  I am going to church tonight.  We’re having a mass at church to be said for all of the departed souls in the past year.  It is an appropriate night to do this — Halloween.

The other night my grandson, bless his heart, came over and put all of my yard stuff away, you know like chairs, hoses and the like.  It took almost an hour and 30 minutes.  I was very grateful to have someone to help me.  So that’s another thing I can cross off my list.  But the storm door  is another story.  It seems it could cost as much as $240 to replace a $100 storm door.  Now how do they figure this kind of a labor charge?!  Shall I try replacing it myself?   Hmmmmmm. The Little Red Hen is thinking.  Cluck, cluck.  I think I will just use duct tape, again.  You know that duct tape comes in handy for just about anything you can think of, doesn’t it.  Whenever you ask someone, “What should I do with this?”, the answer is usually “duct tape”.  Whose bright idea was this anyhow?  You see, I accidentally kicked out the bottom panel of the storm door, and now I have to pay for it–one way or the other.

Well, time is up for today.  Have a Great Halloween!

Choir Practice

Tonight I joined the church choir.  This is another new step for me.  I really loved it!  It was just like old times and I fit right in.  It was a bit fast-paced, but I think I can manage that.  We even sang some chant.  We sang for about 1 1/2 hours.  And I met some nice people.  And music does bring joy to the soul.

I have two problems.  The first is that I cannot stand for a long time, so I have to be seated when I get tired.  The second problem is that I can only take one step at a time, so that is how I go up and down the stairs to the choir loft.  But I think I can do it and it is good exercise.

We will sing at 10:30 mass on Sunday with 1 1/2 hours practice before the mass.  So there is a goodly amount of time invested in this.  There is only the month of May to go and choir will be finished until next fall.  Tsk, tsk, and I was just getting started.  But I am really glad I came as I met more new people and one of the men is going to give a picnic for us at his farm his summer, and I am really looking forward to that.  He is Irish and what a beautiful voice he has.  A perfect Irish tenor.

All the church activity comes to a grinding halt now for the summer and I am dreading that because what will I do with myself?  Church has kept me so busy.   Well, I will continue to visit the homebound.  And I am being trained to distribute the holy eucharist (communion).  This will be, primarily, to the nursing home, which is my real ministry.

Last Sunday we had a picnic after church and I picked up an elderly lady from an independent living home.  She had to be taken in a wheelchair and let me tell you, it was just like old times with Bud, except that I am no longer as strong as I once was, and it was somewhat difficult for me — hauling someone around in a wheelchair.  But she was so happy and we had such a wonderful day what with the picnic and all.  And she was very appreciative.  I think I did the right thing.  She is 93 years old and her name is Pauline.  Will I do it again?  That remains to be seen.  I think I could use some help with that next time.

Decadent chocolate

Yesterday I attended a Caregivers Conference of people who are are currently or who had, in the past, cared for a terminally ill loved one.  The cost of $10 for the lunch was paid for by the Senior Center , so I wasn’t expecting too much.  I knew I would be getting a Chef’s Salad, so be it.  I was determined to take whatever I got, because that was my intention during Lent, and I am still determined to continue this pattern–without complaining.  As it so happened, I got more than I bargained for, which was a pleasant surprise.  I got a roll with butter, a small fruit display served in a champagne glass–chilled– and coffee, which is a must.  I thought to myself that it would be nice to get dessert with this since a Chef’s Salad seemed so paltry a lunch.  Well, lo and behold, there were desserts to be served.  I notice some un-interesting tidbits resting on the dessert tray but amongst them sat the most gorgeous piece if chocolate cake I had every seen.  Suffice it say, I have not had a slice of chocolate cake in a very, very long time.  But I vowed that I would stick to my goal of accepting whichever dessert was set in front of me.  So I said to God, “It’s okay, I am not going to ask you for a particular dessert because we have a deal.  But that chocolate cake sure looks out of this world.”  So, I sat there waiting for dessert.  You’ve heard the saying that “A watched pot never boils.”  So, it was a painfully long time before the waitress set down in front of me –guess what–a piece of decadently delicious-looking, huge chocolate cake, made up of different kinds of chocolate and studded with tiny dark chocolate chips.  I was thrilled and said, “Thank you, God . . . you really shouldn’t have. . .but since you did, I will be happy to oblige you and eat it.”

I began the tortuously long process of devouring this wonderful cake.  It was tortuous because all of these people were sitting around me and I could not, as I wanted to do, “attack and devour” the cake, one bite after another.  No, I had to set my fork down after each bite because there were so many people sitting around me.  To devour it would look disgusting to the others. ( It is somewhat like having to stop in the middle of sex for a rest break.)  I wanted to gorge the cake into my mouth, so as not miss a single scintillating moment of blissfulness.  I wanted to keep the orgasm going. . .as it were.  But alas, I could not.  What would people say?  What would people think?

As it turned out, I ate.  I rested.  I ate.  I rested.  Then I had to stop eating 2/3 of the way through the cake.  The sugar was getting to me.  I was getting an horrific headache, which is what sugar normally does to me.  And so it was that I never finished the cake.  I woefully espied it on the plate out of the corner of my eye and breathing a long sigh, gave it up.  It was fun while it lasted. 

If I had been eating the cake alone, it would have been “pure joy”.

Mary, Mary quite contrary . . .

This is the story of 80 year old stroke victim Mary who actually escaped from the local nursing home by gunning her power chair out through the automatic doors of the building.  She said she moved so quickly they couldn’t even catch her. Somehow, I enjoy the thought of an elderly escapee.  She is now living in a nearby condo and says she is never going back!  Her aversion to this nursing home might have had something to do with her roommate dying a slow and gasping death in the space nearby.  I am guessing this lady was a “Do Not Resuscitate” person and she was gasping for breath all night long.  Mary said that the nurse kept putting “hurry up and die” drops in her mouth. I am sure this was terrifying for Mary who has no intention of dying just yet, even though she is paralyzed on one side from having had four strokes.  She told her son, “If I have to die, just let me die here at home.” And so that is where she resides–in a one-bedroom condo that will not, irritatingly enough, fit all of her furniture.  Her kids sold most of her dear, dear possessions for which she remains forever and totally pissed off.  Mary is still smoking cigarettes, as she has all of her life–at least since WWII.

Mary’s husband was a military man, and due to his “playing around” was divorced by Mary, a devout Irish Catholic, many years ago, and she raised her three sons alone without his help.  When his girlfriends’ letters started arriving at her home, she filed for divorce and used the letters as evidence.  She was hired by the Atomic Energy Commission in Washington, D.C. and worked with two of the men who invented the atomic bomb–one who was a legless Hungarian refugee.  She now receives a fairly decent pension from the government.

Mary is waiting for warmer weather so she can take a “stroll” downtown in her power chair and see the physical therapist who will help her to, once again, begin to walk.  I’ll say one thing for certain about Mary–she is determined. And even though she is contrary and willful, this is what is keeping her alive.

Fortunately . . . Unfortunately

Fortunately, one Sunday night, I decided to take out the garbage for the next day’s trash pick-up.  Unfortunately, it was bitterly cold and the driveway was very icy.  Fortunately, I decided to take it out anyway.  Unfortunately, I slipped on the ice in the driveway.  But fortunately, I directed the fall to a nearby snowbank which cushioned my fall.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get up and there was not a soul in sight, nor car, not even an animal could see me there lying in the snowbank.  But fortunately, my friend, Mary, was coming soon to take me out with her for supper.  Unfortunately, my backside was getting number by the second waiting for Mary.  But fortunately, Mary showed up within about 5 minutes.  Unfortunately, she had to get a chair from the inside the house to help me get up and unfortunately, the door to my house was locked.  Fortunately, Mary finally got in and got the chair which she set up for me in the driveway.  But unfortunately, I needed something to put under my knees so I could push myself up.  Unfortunately, the cat was laying on the towel, but fortunately, Mary was able to get the cat off the towel which she then doubled over so it would be soft, and fortunately, I was able to get up.  But unfortunately, my backside was numb from the cold and it took over an hour to thaw out.  Fortunately, I am still alive.

The moral of this story is:  Do not let your senile parents go outside alone on a bitterly cold night or they could freeze to death within minutes–not even to take out the garbage.

The 4th week of retirement . . .

Here it is–the 4th week after retirement.  I am in a slump.  Barack Obama’s inauguration was held yesterday on 1/21/09.  Yes, it was a great day–for him and the country.   I wish him well–God knows he will need all the good wishes he can get in his career as president.  George Bush was looking so much older after his tenure of 8 years.  This cannot be an easy job for anyone.

So, today, if I can sufficiently stay awake, I will send off my Medicare request for Part B as required by my former place of work.  I will hunt relentlessly for items required to complete my taxes for 2008 (ugh).  That should take up a large part of my day.  And then, I will probably take yet another daytime nap.

This morning I had the good fortune of having breakfast with an older group of people from church and I could see the comparison between them and me.  I felt like John-Boy of the Waltons gathering information for yet another story.  The lady on my left was very spry and sharp as a tack; she had been a nurse before she retired.  The lady on my right was not in such good shape.  She lived alone in an apartment with no garage.  She was unaware of the complexities of owning her car, did not know what she would do for the rest of the day, and she didn’t even have a telephone index, let alone a computer.  That was scarey to me.  She is completely at the mercy of other people.  Her best assest is that she has family in town who can help her out with her car and other problems that arise for her. I was trying to clue her in about the car, but I could see that she wasn’t retaining a word I said to her, so I quietly gave up.  

And . . .  they were all drinking decaf.  I can only guess that they have some kind of heart arrhythmias or high blood pressure or some bodily ailment which precludes them from imbibing in regular coffee.  How sad.

Now I know I am not the most organized person on the planet, but I can count my blessings and thank God  for what knowledge I do have.  And . . . I can still drink regular coffee.  It was an eye-opening experience to say the least .

 I’m hangin’ in there, baby, and I’m hangin on.

The habits of cats . . .

Did you ever wonder why cats like to sit on your head?  Like, when you’re lying down or sitting in a chair and they scootch themselves up against the top of your head?  Well, I have a theory.

These extraterrestrials have come to earth to absorb our intelligence and transmit it back to their planetary homes. Their bodies are covered with invisible electrodes which attach themselves to us and then the electrical vibrations from our brains are transmitted to theirs and then passed on  to ETs of their own origin.  Have you noticed how their eyes glow–what does that tell you?  And where does that energy come from?

They observe all of your moves- your comings and goings- and then walk between your feet in order to guide you to their food dishes.   They have us down to a tee.  They know what move we will make before we make it.  And then when you are typing on your computer on the kitchen table, they plop themselves down close to the computer so as not to miss a single vibratory, electric beat – from which they feed.

They love music, especially violins, cello, and other stringed instruments.  Every morning before I give them their treat, I play a cello piece entitled The Swan.  They happily chew away to the lilting sounds of the cello.  Why do I do this?  Because I am an observer.  I like to witness their reactions to all these things and, maybe, just to make their lives a little happier while they are here. 

And their sleeping habits.  Oh, how I wish I could just lie down at any time and any place, like they do, and fall asleep–day or night.  Do you think that maybe their napping is just a ruse?  And that they are actually  lying quietly with their antennae poised for new information . . . it’s a thought.

Retirement…the first few days

Well, here I sit like a bump on a log with no clear plan in mind.  I guess I deserve a few days of doing absolutely nothing.  However, there is ice and cold weather afoot which is really cramping my style.  I did not intend to have to sit in the house all day.  I did have a nice visit with my son, Jim, right after Christmas.  He also set me up on this Mac notebook which will keep me busy at times–damn nice of him too!  On Friday I will get the DSL broadband which will increase the computer speed of this hip senior citizen.  Never let it be said that I am not savvy and resourceful.  I think the secret is that, first thing in the morning, I need to get totally dressed and get the heck out of Dodge for a while.  Then I can return to the house and get some work done.  Also: List making.  This is imperative for me; otherwise, I have so many things to do that I cannot prioritize and begin to do things haphazardly.  This then is equivalent to getting nothing done for the whole day.  I will also have to re-tap into the Flylady web site.

Then I have books to read, de-cluttering to do, visits to make to the Nursing Home, church duties to perform.  I guess that I am waiting for more things to do, so that I can then begin to fit everything into my day planner.

I am watching the History Channel and they are speaking of the seven deadly sins–specifically, the sin of sloth or melancholia or clinical depression: subcategory – procrastination.   It is in sloth that one feels so sorry for himself and becomes so apathetic, that he does absolutely nothing, but lays around all day.  This habit would b be easy to fall into, so I must be on watch.  Prayers to St. Michael  are useful.  He chases away evil spirits from the body and the mind–whether external ones or the ones we create ourselves.  Michael is our protector; this is why you always see him shown with a sword.  There are special prayers to him and there is even a litany to Blessed Michael the Archangel.  He is the protector of heaven and of God’s people, if we choose to call on him.

St. Michael, pray for us.  Protect my children and keep them on the right path.  Amen.

A trip to the eye doctor . . .

I finally made my appointment with the eye doctor.  I had gone outside one evening and could not see out of my right eye, i.e., everything was blurry.  So, I imagined it could be something really bad. . . or not.  Anyhow, I met my doctor, and oh, he was in a crabby mood.  “Open your eye and keep it open.”  Well, I had been poked in the eye when I was younger and I have a great fear of anything that gets too close to my eyes.  So, I kept blinking and he kept yelling at me.  I said, “Maybe you need to go on a vacation.”  “No, it’s not that, he said.  You’re the first person I’ve seen all day who speaks English.  And those receptionists up there are not well trained and are not getting people who need help in here quickly enough. Yada, yada yada.”  Oh, well . . . I decided to stop helping him to problem solve, because he was already too agitated.  He had to put drops in my eyes 2 times to dilate them enough for him to see anything, grumble, grumble.  So, he left the room to let my eyes dilate.  When he came back after 10 minutes or so, I spoke not a word.  I think he then realized he had said enough, and he stopped grumbling.  Then he informs me that the cataract in my right eye has gotten quite a bit larger and prescribed for me a new pair of glasses.  I didn’t spend much money on this pair, because soon I will have cataract surgery and have to buy yet another pair to adjust to the new lens he will put in my eye.  Good grief!  Does it never end?  I have enough things to keep me busy without one more problem.

I couldn’t see a damn thing while driving home afterward; I’m lucky to be alive.

Cluck, cluck, now the Little Red hen needs cataract surgery and duct tape won’t fix it.

We’re making history today . . .

Hey, you guys, GET OUT AND VOTE.  I don’t care who you vote for (well, I do really but . .  .but I cannot control who you vote for).  We only elect a president once every 4 years.  If a group of people from various backgrounds decides they “just don’t have time” today, that can greatly influence the outcome of the election.  I can feel the hum of excitement in the air, traffic really picked up early this morning and at McDonald’s drive-through, the vehicular traffic wound around the entire building.   I am so excited.

Of course, I think Barack will win–he is new, he is young, and he is very smart.  We need some new young blood in the White House.  Just think the First Family could be black.  Let us say a prayer today that whoever the winner is, God will protect him and keep him safe from harm.

The yard man came yesterday and cleaned up my entire yard for winter–and did not leave me a bill like he usually does.  He works very hard and he should be paid.  If he doesn’t send a bill in a couple of weeks, I will inquire about it.  And I threw out my old grill AND they picked it up!  That is the miracle of the whole thing.  It didn’t have to set out there for 2 weeks, because I called the company and specifically requested that they pick it up.  They came the same day and put a tag on it.  The next day it was gone.  Voila!  See, you need to ask for what you want and then you believe it will be done.  “Expect, Believe and Receive”.

Have a Great Day and VOTE!!!!!